If Only We Could Get Our Boys to Cry More!
Filling the Purpose Void
A former educator and colleague of Dr. Michael Gurian (my co-host on The Wonder of Parenting Podcast), admitted to him that at one time she saw boys as defective girls. (She’s become a great boy advocate since then.)
Her admission is not all that uncommon, even though she spoke the quiet part out loud.
When experts weigh in on “the boy problem,” they often suggest strategies that work better for the “female” brain, generally speaking. (Male and female brains share many things in common. But the things that differ, really differ! And really matter!)
The main strategy goes something like this (this is a real example):
It’s imperative that we teach our boys that emotions are healthy—even the ones that can feel uncomfortable—and that recognizing and getting comfortable with our emotions is an important skill. We need to remind them that asking for help, support, a hug, or simply talking about how they’re feeling is a sign of strength.
(One clinical psychologist) suggests that one of the most effective ways to combat this stereotype is for the men in boys’ lives—dads, teachers, coaches—to talk more openly about their emotions and to prompt boys to have real conversations about their feelings.
If we could get our boys to emote more, to cry more, to get in touch with their feelings more, to talk more about their emotions… then they would become the men we hope they can be (and be a whole lot less toxic!).
To be clear—boys have emotions. And boys should learn to pay attention to their emotions.
But…
Boys have a very different relationship with their emotions than do girls. Girls can almost instantaneously put words to their feelings.
It can take the average male, anywhere from 30 minutes to a few days to connect words and feelings.
Watch boys win or lose a game. Watch when they are frustrated or feel slighted. Watch when they do something cool. Boys are expressing their emotions all the time. But they generally don’t express them the same way girls do. Can that be okay?
Building boys into good men is not so much about tapping into their emotional selves as it is about tapping into their purpose:
Why are they here on planet earth? What is their reason for living? What kind of person do they want to be to their friends… spouse… kids… co-workers?
Boys are shaped in large part by testosterone, a get-it-done hormone. A do-something hormone. Metaphorically, it speaks to the purpose of a boy: to use his gifts and talents to build a better world.
Call that out in a boy as he grows and we are well on our way to building a strong, healthy male.
Boys without purpose drift. They become depressed and listless. Rather than serving the community, they become a drain on it. Or worse, they become a danger to the community. Purpose-less boys/men are often angry boys/men.
Purpose has do not only with focus, but with character:
Virtue. Goodness. Love. Compassion. Grit. Wisdom. Service.
These are the antidotes to toxic masculinity. Not getting boys to emote more.
Purpose and character are built in a variety of ways but these are especially helpful for boys:
Free play. As in no adults telling them what to do. Free play—outdoors—teaches boys to communicate, work together, solve problems, and build resilience.
When we give trust to our kids, they soar. Trusting our kids to start venturing out into the world may be the most transformative thing adults can do. Jonathan Haidt. The Anxious Generation.
Another way of saying it: Less screen time. More play time.
Service projects. Enlisting our boys in a project—be it serving meals to the homeless or picking up trash in a park or helping on a Habit for Humanity project, or even home chores, provides a way to embed compassion and service into our boys—especially if they are doing it side by side with men.
Encourage him to get a job. The responsibility of employment, even though it will be part time, teaches discipline, a work ethic, responsibility, and time management, among other things.
Mine his purpose. Have those who care about your son be on the look out for what he’s good at and affirm it for him. And make sure you catch him in the act of doing something good and letting him know.
Mentor him. Strong male role models, who live out purpose, character, and physical and emotional health, help pour good masculine energy into our boys.
Reign him in. Boys need guardrails. These guardrails are not meant to bubble wrap them from real life or mistakes but are there to prevent them from falling off the cliff. Mistakes are an important part of development. As is pushing boundaries. But when boys stray outside of good character, we want to lead them back.
Affirm him. Look him in the eye and let him know, over and over again, how proud you are of him and how much you love him. It is especially important for boys to hear from the men that they admire that these men admire them, too.
When boys have a purpose void, they will look somewhere to fill it.
Let’s fill it with them, and ensure that we set them up for a purpose-full, good life.
By the way, purpose-driven boys tend to be emotionally healthy boys.
Horse… cart.
(Check out Michael’s excellent book: The Purpose of Boys!)
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Don’t forget to check out this week’s The Wonder of Parenting Podcast: A Brain-Science Approach to Parenting.